Earth, Time, Bergson

It is hard to tell where something went if it was never here, if it was never yours. There is Mother Earth and there must be Mother Time. After a certain year, everything goes in a rush, the years are rushed and I am sure I have been robbed of something. But who can rob me of what I have not bought or created? 

To be Bergson and to lose yourself in the other dimension of time. To meditate, close your eyes, open them and all is different. Are we really at the mercy of all if in our dreams we can be anything, go anywhere, fly much further than the spheres of space and time? 

The Nature of Things

At the sight of the inevitable one must learn to accept it and move on. That must be the reason why I have grown accustomed to the nature of things. I do not need to fight it because I know I will not win. Where I come from we fight. We fight the unchangeable and we think that the unchangeable can be changed. And when we lose these battles we get up again, proud because we fought.

Should I opt for pacifism? What if pacifism just isn’t part of my being, just isn’t part of the natural state of my body?

Some days are warm, some days are not. I cannot control that. But I can control the way it controls me. I have accepted the cold as an ineludible part of my home. I know that my mornings will be cold and I face them. Sometimes when I am coming home and it is cold outside, I do not rush to open the door. I arrive with ease because the cold will not last forever. And it does not rain much in Shodoshima so when it rains I must laugh and understand that nature can be stubborn and unpredictable but also beautiful and rich. I am very much a part of it. 

The Zoo

I work at a zoo with many monkeys. They scream loudly and they don’t learn. I ask them to do something and they do the opposite. Sometimes I dodge, I hit, I scream. I try to train them but it is useless. Other times I mimic, I jump with them so they may think I am one of them, no distinctions made, no need to set rules. I am like you, you see, a screaming monkey living in the zoo. I offer them rewards during lunchtime. Some are hesitant and will not accept. They don’t know if they can trust another species. I try to bribe them into giving me affection. “Do you think I should make them pay attention?” one of the teachers asks me. “No, I think they are how they are supposed to be.” We are all monkeys living in the zoo. 

Invitation to a Party

The leaves change and the rest of us change too. Halloween arrives and I love it because it is fresh and alive, like everything else should be. To think that life could potentially turn into my entrance to a great party every time. Would that be too much to ask for? I don’t suppose so. I already have the invitation. To know that anything I want, anything I seek, anything I crave for, anything I need, I already have. I do not need to wonder. I do not need to search. I already found it. Long ago. But I was asleep, wasn’t I? Otherwise, how to explain what I lacked: the understanding. Let’s party. Let's just forget it all without trying. And party. 

The Cold

The days just run past me. I bike after them, but I’ve never been good with hills. October seems rushed and short, as if the summer was too long and the winter cannot wait. I hike, I run, I jump, I dance my way around. Was it really a month ago when I came back from the beach and walked around my apartment in my bathing suit?

The cold arrives uninvited. I’ve never liked uninvited guests. I wake up and the house is cold. I pretend it is not true, that it will never happen. At school we get ready for the festival and I receive the sheet music for the songs in Japanese. But during rehearsal the breeze steps in and shuffles everything. I search for the sun by the sea behind my apartment but it is happening: people are fishing with long-sleeved shirts on, there is no sun, and I must find the cardigan I put in my bag, just in case it wasn’t a lie.

I start working on a new novel or maybe it is nonfiction. And I wait to see how cold it could all get.  

Typhoon

Yukiko drives me home after our wine party. I drank some Sauvignon Blanc from Chile and thought of Latin America. Nao misunderstood me when I mentioned Christmas and decided to put some Christmas music. But I must first make it to Halloween, right?

Something hits Yukiko’s car window and we both cry out. “Stay home tomorrow,” she says. But now I’ve been thinking of biking and marathons. I open the door and the wind caresses me like it doesn’t want to let me go. I love the rain and wind of this country. They are possessive and impatient but they don’t stay long. I rush in my shorts and platforms. They remind me of long legs running after the New York City subway, hoping to make it even if it is too late.

I sleep nine hours. I dream of beer, wine and friends in Japan. 

Wakarimasen

The children come to me. They have so much to say. But how can I tell you that I do not understand? I seek for understanding. I used to think if I stared at a sign long enough the characters would eventually manifest themselves to me, the kanji would pity the frugality of my tongue. But I was in denial. You must have underestimated the situation. To be proud, to be happy. Long legs, cute, slim…Are these the only English words you know? I have so much to teach you, but I only want to show you the beautiful. Let’s forget about the misery and the misunderstandings. I want you to see the world the way I see it, but without the need of contacts.

The students don’t understand English and I sympathize with them. We are very similar, after all.