Earthquake

Mom is in Japan. We sit next to Nao, her face seems quite clear, I make out all her features and her short hair is the same. Though it seems like we are getting ready to eat, Mom demands we take Nao to a really nice restaurant. My head turns, do my eyes open? Mom is gone. Nao is gone. It is just me. Where did they go? It was so pleasant to have them both here. I am in bed and the room is warm and comfortable, much better than last night when I fell asleep to The Beautiful and the Damned. My heart is going, something is happening but I am not sure what it is. The movement must be caused by a car, a reckless driver must have woken me up, I live so close to the street. If that’s so, why do I feel like this? The world around grows angry. I feel regret. I’m supposed to have the radio on all the time but I used the outlet for the keyboard. I should have a bag ready. Do I wait here for something to fall on me and snap me out of this fear?  Seek shelter, get under something, quick! Don’t let the world’s wrath envelope you!

But I know I won’t make it out of the room. I get out of bed and quickly metamorphose into the cobra I have always been. On the floor and in a matter of seconds I am under the bed, but part of my snake tail hangs outside. I can’t get it in no matter how hard I try. I pray to Mother Nature: You mustn’t be so angry. Everything will be fine.

How long? I can’t tell. It seems like time stopped. Is she done or is she just contemplating, reflecting over how to show her force once again? We know you are strong. Please refrain from being so ostentatious. But I am at your mercy.

I am human again and wondering how I will get out from this shelter, much too small for my limbs. I finally crawl out and look out the window. No one is outside. I go back to bed. Any sound makes me think it is she again, angry again or just wanting to play. She plays so rough. Mayuko calls. If it happens again you have to go outside, she says. Nao writes. Be ready, if it gets worse we have to evacuate to a shelter.

A sound. It’s just my alarm. I managed to sleep three more hours.  

Sakura

With the beauty of the cherry blossoms comes the weight of decisions, the possible point of no return. The freedom when one decides what is best without regrets. The liberation. For I am a free woman and I shall remain so till the day I die.

I celebrate hanami like a true admirer of beauty. I drink the sake, eat the sushi, I have all the time in the world to search for the flowers and contemplate them like is my first time. But it is my first time, it is my first time observing them with these eyes. Only in Japan was it possible for me to learn that smelling flowers, watching leaves and seeking abandoned temples should always make it into my to-do list. And I am so happy because beauty requires change and change means evolution. I am in a constant state of evolution and that is good. 

Phantom

You offer me the mask. No, you do not offer. You pretend to offer because I expect you to at least pretend. I want to scream, I am no monster, my lips are too beautiful to hide. Why should I hide the monstrosity I do not possess? But the process to possess, to be part of you, leads me astray and I have become you. I sit, idle for nine long minutes, starring at its blankness, only to acquiesce, no protests, no questions. I hide under it, barely breathing, longing for the time I can be myself again and sing. 

Earth, Time, Bergson

It is hard to tell where something went if it was never here, if it was never yours. There is Mother Earth and there must be Mother Time. After a certain year, everything goes in a rush, the years are rushed and I am sure I have been robbed of something. But who can rob me of what I have not bought or created? 

To be Bergson and to lose yourself in the other dimension of time. To meditate, close your eyes, open them and all is different. Are we really at the mercy of all if in our dreams we can be anything, go anywhere, fly much further than the spheres of space and time? 

The Nature of Things

At the sight of the inevitable one must learn to accept it and move on. That must be the reason why I have grown accustomed to the nature of things. I do not need to fight it because I know I will not win. Where I come from we fight. We fight the unchangeable and we think that the unchangeable can be changed. And when we lose these battles we get up again, proud because we fought.

Should I opt for pacifism? What if pacifism just isn’t part of my being, just isn’t part of the natural state of my body?

Some days are warm, some days are not. I cannot control that. But I can control the way it controls me. I have accepted the cold as an ineludible part of my home. I know that my mornings will be cold and I face them. Sometimes when I am coming home and it is cold outside, I do not rush to open the door. I arrive with ease because the cold will not last forever. And it does not rain much in Shodoshima so when it rains I must laugh and understand that nature can be stubborn and unpredictable but also beautiful and rich. I am very much a part of it. 

The Zoo

I work at a zoo with many monkeys. They scream loudly and they don’t learn. I ask them to do something and they do the opposite. Sometimes I dodge, I hit, I scream. I try to train them but it is useless. Other times I mimic, I jump with them so they may think I am one of them, no distinctions made, no need to set rules. I am like you, you see, a screaming monkey living in the zoo. I offer them rewards during lunchtime. Some are hesitant and will not accept. They don’t know if they can trust another species. I try to bribe them into giving me affection. “Do you think I should make them pay attention?” one of the teachers asks me. “No, I think they are how they are supposed to be.” We are all monkeys living in the zoo. 

Invitation to a Party

The leaves change and the rest of us change too. Halloween arrives and I love it because it is fresh and alive, like everything else should be. To think that life could potentially turn into my entrance to a great party every time. Would that be too much to ask for? I don’t suppose so. I already have the invitation. To know that anything I want, anything I seek, anything I crave for, anything I need, I already have. I do not need to wonder. I do not need to search. I already found it. Long ago. But I was asleep, wasn’t I? Otherwise, how to explain what I lacked: the understanding. Let’s party. Let's just forget it all without trying. And party.